Yesterday morning, as I was getting paid to hike down the most beautiful aspen filled trail possible, in the most gorgeous weather, I found myself thinking of him. Which is natural given two reasons: 1) we recently broke up and I'm still "dealing" with my shit, and by shit, I do mean my emotions and 2) he's a huge hiker/outdoor guy. I couldn't help thinking "he would love this right now" and then of course my twisted self-sabotaging mind jumped to the thought of "I just want everything to be okay and everything to be like it was..." There it is, that catch phrase again.
What does it even mean to be "okay"? Okay is an adjective that is defined as: "adequate", "acceptable" or "mediocre." Why in the hell would I even want everything to be okay if that's the definition? Even if it had a good definition, which its doesn't, I'd much rather have a better adjective to describe my life.
My question though is, when will we learn to be honest with ourselves and just admit that sometimes things are just NOT okay? Sometimes things are sticky and messy and completely broken. Sometimes, we will make mistakes, sometimes we will do things we know we shouldn't for possibly all the wrong reasons or maybe all the right ones. Sometimes things are just complicated and ugly and sometimes there is nothing we can do about it. Yet we so stupidly, because we live in a world where we believe everything has to be perfect, allow ourselves to try to fix and repair or control and understand why things are not okay.