If you really ever loved someone whole heartedly, when they leave you, it’s similar to death. Some would even go as far to say the grieving process is along the same lines. The burden of losing my relationship is one I cannot yet "deal" with. I put "deal" with in lose terms because as a person who works in the mental health field, I could be "dealing" with my situation a lot worse than I am. It feels almost down right near impossible to accept the fact that the man I love unconditionally does not love me or is not "in love" with me any longer, or whatever which way you want to phrase the damn sentence, because I've tried it several different ways and none seem to sound even remotely "okay."
If you were to ask any of my closest friends right now what the catch phrase of mine that seems to be most popular is as of recently, I can almost guarantee 97% of those friends would tell you it's "I just want everything to be okay."
Yesterday morning, as I was getting paid to hike down the most beautiful aspen filled trail possible, in the most gorgeous weather, I found myself thinking of him. Which is natural given two reasons: 1) we recently broke up and I'm still "dealing" with my shit, and by shit, I do mean my emotions and 2) he's a huge hiker/outdoor guy. I couldn't help thinking "he would love this right now" and then of course my twisted self-sabotaging mind jumped to the thought of "I just want everything to be okay and everything to be like it was..." There it is, that catch phrase again.What does it even mean to be "okay"? Okay is an adjective that is defined as: "adequate", "acceptable" or "mediocre." Why in the hell would I even want everything to be okay if that's the definition? Even if it had a good definition, which its doesn't, I'd much rather have a better adjective to describe my life.
My question though is, when will we learn to be honest with ourselves and just admit that sometimes things are just NOT okay? Sometimes things are sticky and messy and completely broken. Sometimes, we will make mistakes, sometimes we will do things we know we shouldn't for possibly all the wrong reasons or maybe all the right ones. Sometimes things are just complicated and ugly and sometimes there is nothing we can do about it. Yet we so stupidly, because we live in a world where we believe everything has to be perfect, allow ourselves to try to fix and repair or control and understand why things are not okay.
We need to learn to accept that things are not always going to be okay, that sometimes things will be shitty and messy and ugly. That sometimes things will break and no matter how hard we try to repair or understand why, there isn't an answer. It's understandable that thing's may not be "okay" right now but it doesn't mean they won't ever be again... who knows they may even be fabulous.
Yes, fabulous, because that's a better adjective than okay.
12 comments:
Rasha, I swear everytime I read your posts it's as if I wrote them myself about my own feelings. I know how you feel, I've BEEN there and comparing it to the death of a loved one may be considered dramatic to some (bc people have said that to me when I used that comparison), is exactly right. You had something you counted on and then all of a sudden it was taken from you without warning...like death happens. I'm sending positive thoughts your way (and hoping some will stick with me as well) bc even though it's been some time now, and many people feel I should have dealt with my loss by now, you and I both know it's an every day process, taking it one day at a time. Xo
Love this!
Rasha, I swear everytime I read your posts it's as if I wrote them myself about my own feelings. I know how you feel, I've BEEN there and comparing it to the death of a loved one may be considered dramatic to some (bc people have said that to me when I used that comparison), is exactly right. You had something you counted on and then all of a sudden it was taken from you without warning...like death happens. I'm sending positive thoughts your way (and hoping some will stick with me as well) bc even though it's been some time now, and many people feel I should have dealt with my loss by now, you and I both know it's an every day process, taking it one day at a time. Xo
I agree 100%, and I feel as if I couldn't have said it better myself! I've been there, and I'm sure we all have. I've mourned a breakup, as if I was mourning a death, and in a way that's what it was, the death of a relationship. But you have to remember, as I'm sure you do, that with death comes life. Of course, it may not be right now, tomorrow or months from now, but it will come.
Fabulous is a much better term than okay, so shoot for that !
made me understand that no matter what its better to be more then okay (:
and Fabulous it will be! Well written my sweet beautiful friend of mine, in which can I say you looked Hott with ur girls the other night! Loved that pic! You are gonna be more than fine! You of course are gonna have many moments. You are gonna miss him like crazy, think of him often, and then one day you will be like I can do this, this is fine, I like this, I am ok no no I am fabulous! SO be fabulous! love sums
i seriously love this post. it is everything that i think when I'm going to the same thing. i love your blog and can't wait to read more:) I'm sorry you're going through this. you phrase things perfectly!
I am sorry that you are going through this! This post is wonderful and just speaks amazing things! It is terrible that we live in a society where everyone things that they cannot show emotion or to seem weak. I think everyone needs realize that you will be weak at one point in your life and it is ok and it will help you grow
Those words just made me understand a whole lot more. From your losses you teach everyone. You know how you feel and you know how to put it into words. You truly are inspirational.
Love this. So true. Stay strong girl, and stay hopeful when you can't be strong anymore (which is okay. it's okay to not be strong sometimes). You are better at this than you may think.
Loving your last couple posts! Esp the Secret one, very cool. It will be interesting to read those. Oh and I am having issues with my google account, had to follow you through twitter... who knew you could even do that?! I didn't!
You are strong, smart, beautiful, and courageous! You DO NOT deserve to settle with the hand you have been dealt... you deserve to be everything more than just OKAY! I agree with the better adjective: Fabulous. Because Sister, that's what you are! Love, Love, Love, you!
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