Maybe it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future

So many of you are asking how I am doing... to which the answer varies. Some days I feel like I can take over the world and I have a grip on my emotions, but there are days that it seems like I cannot go a moment without being sad and pondering "the what could/should of been."


I can honestly say that I agree with my girl, Sara Even's that each day, "I get a little bit stronger". Sure, the day could be one of the sad pondering days, but I still get up, I still get dressed, I still put that smile on my face, and I move forward... and that's all I really can do, right?


Life never goes as we expect it to. What we want, may not always be what we will get and it may not always be what is right. I can't say right now that I truly believe that our relationship ending was right or that I agree with it, but theres a reason it happened (as muddy as that reason might be to me right now) and one day that reason will be clear to me.


I think one of the hardest things to adjust to after this break up is being alone. For the past 4 years, he has been there, each night, every morning, any time I needed/wanted someone to speak to. It was easy to not feel lonely and now I don't have that and it's been quite the adjustment. 


I am not sure exactly what I want to be doing right now, or who I want to be/become. It's hard to find the path when you don't know where you're going. And I want so badly to figure it out so I can move on and grow up. But maybe that's what moving on and growing up is.. the journey of self-discover itself.


I want... to make a difference in people's lives.


I want... to experience something I never have.


I want... to learn to play the piano.


I want... to accept the fact that doing things on your own, is okay and not that bad.


I want... to stop seeking attention/confirmation from guys... I fell for someone right after getting broken up with and well, truth be told, he couldn't handle the situation and that I wasn't over "him" completely... which don't get my wrong, is so understandable, but you knew going in pal... that's all I'm going to say. 


I want... to feel beautiful, on my own... without hearing it from guys.


I want... to develop stronger friendships with the friends I currently have and make new ones.


I want... to become healthier and happier.


I want... to learn to have more patients.


I want... people to stop telling me to stop talking to him and to hate him and to forget him and move on. I will never hate him and I don't want to forget him and move on. I want to forgive him and move on.


I want (and need too)... learn to regulate and manage my emotions.


I want... to be happy with or without a man on my arm... and I want to be in love again. I want to heal and move on from this relationship and become whole again, so that eventually I can move on to something someone that is right for me and who I am right for.


"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you, never try to trim your own bangs, and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we’re told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we’re so focused on finding our happy ending we don’t learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don’t, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy. Maybe it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment, you never gave up hope." -He's Just Not That Into You


So maybe its just like that quote, maybe I am too focused on the thought that I would have my happy ending and I didn't read the signs, or I failed to see them. Maybe my happy ending, right now, doesn't include a guy... Maybe it's all up to me, to pick up the pieces and start over, to make room for MYSELF. To make room for self improvement, to make room for all the things I want to do and all the things I want to become. And maybe, just maybe, that's exactly what I need to do.