I feel like all my life, I have always been that person.
You know the one who wants to “save” the world, to help those who need it, to be there for people who don’t even want it. But I felt like it was part of who I am, like it was my calling. I feel like I am a pretty selfless person; I am often told by those closest to me that I far too often put others needs ahead of mine and try to solve everyone else’s problems but my own. To which I jokingly like to respond; "I teach what I cannot do."
It IS easier to help others and focus on their problems, it IS fulfilling to feed a starving cat or person. I understand that my need/want to take care of people stems from my co-dependency issues. I am well aware of that. I do not understand though why being selfless and giving is a problem. This was always my answer to those who fought or challenged me regarding this… but it wasn't until I was speaking with someone recently that I realized how much it CAN be a problem and how much in some areas of my life it IS a problem.
As I contemplated with what choice I should make this past week over something that seems so large to me and so un-large to everyone else around me, I struggled. Making the choice to go meant supporting everything we always worked toward and seeing our dreams coming true… but making the choice to go also signifies that though those dreams came true, they are not ours, anymore. They are his. Supporting him and watching him achieve one of his goals seems like something I NEED to do. Something I am required to do… something I SHOULD do… Not going just seems bitter and selfish.
"Sometimes you have to be selfish Rasha, sometimes, you just have to stop doing what’s best for everyone else and do what’s best for you." And that is the moment I made my decision.
I had chosen not to go. I have choose to be “selfish” so that I can allow my heart to heal, for this chapter in my life, to finally, be fully closed. To open a new book and start writing it...
* If you happen to be reading this or ever come across it, please know that I did not do this out of spite. I am so very proud of you and your accomplishments. I knew that you could do it and you did. I do wish that I could have been there to support you, but know that I am so proud of you and I will always be proud of you. You will make a huge difference in the world, just like you want too.